I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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