my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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