I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
