My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
