My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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