I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
