News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
