They should really pass out barf bags in church
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
