Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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