i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize