i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
