my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
