I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
