I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
