I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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