I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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