I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The Olympian is in my bed
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
