don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
