I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
