Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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