I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
