i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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