Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
