i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
