btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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