I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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