Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
