Welp...herpes.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
