I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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