Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
