Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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