I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
