it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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