My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
