if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We are all done wearing pants today
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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