You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
two words...techno handjob
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
