we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize