Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize