My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
