I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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