Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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