I think my fart just growled at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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