Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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