When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
