she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
