Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need water and some morals
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
