My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
