I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
