Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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