i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize