look no pants
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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