My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
