My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
