Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
