Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
