I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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