No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
