my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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