last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
