i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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