her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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