She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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