Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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