My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
